Ramblings of a Mad Woman.....: MY FAMILY DOESNT RESEMBLE THOSE CAR STICKERS..THAN...

Ramblings of a Mad Woman.....: MY FAMILY DOESNT RESEMBLE THOSE CAR STICKERS..THAN...: Yep, I have decided that since my ‘get up and go, got up and went’ I will create a new Leah, one that doesn’t need ironing o...

MY FAMILY DOESNT RESEMBLE THOSE CAR STICKERS..THANK GOD FOR THAT!

Yep, I have decided that since my ‘get up and go, got up and went’ I will create a new Leah, one that doesn’t need ironing or crease when you fold it.

First off the blocks, everyone has seen those damn cartoon stickers of families placed ever so lovingly on the back windows of suburban SUV’s who have never seen a puddle or dust.  When I actually  saw them for the first time I didn’t mind them, cute whimsical little things I thought - now I just want to keep ramming the car in front me which actually should be fine since the mother has one hand on the wheel and evidently a laptop stuck to other one and dad is too busy BBQing to be of any use in a road rage incident and the kids, well they look like their legs don’t bend so I am sure I could get away quickly.

But fellow travellers, this is not the first time we have been sucked into the vortex of ‘trendy shit on cars to make us feel good’…(not even touching the frangipani craze..)

Cast your mind back peeps, yep all the way back the early 90’s when the ubiquitous ‘safety yellow’ BABY ON BOARD diamond plastic sign was placed with loving care and strange pride by all the new parents into the rear window of their gas guzzling shit box Mazda.

So what if there is a baby on board?  Was it supposed to make anyone driving behind them scared enough to remain a safe distance behind in case of flying dummy or poo bomb from the backseat?  I don’t think so!  Maybe we were supposed to grant them an easy ride, lanes of traffic will part and their ride to the play gym will be sweet and gentle with the help of their sign.  Surely people will go out of their way to respect the newborn nestled cosily inside and grant her or him a gentle passage in life.  AS IF!  Save yourself, Sunshine!

Funny thing is that nowadays you still see them (on shit box Mazda’s) and if you take a quick look the faded yellow plastic sign is left dangling precariously from its sucked to death plastic fastener, whose remains of past placement are spread along the window like a urban crop circle pattern calling aliens to muster.  Take a glance at the mother, she is now wrinkled, exhausted and well on her way to liver damage, check out the kid, in the backseat, feet up, earphones in, smelly and untidy – get ready to duck cause there still may even be the occasional poo bomb from the backseat. 

Got me thinking…is there ANY sign that would work to make you a better and more courteous driver around a car you have no care factor with?

'CAREFUL, I CARRY MY WINE ON MY LAP!'

'GERIATRIC GRANNY WITH FART ISSUES ONBOARD?' – atleast I would slow down for that little gem…wouldn’t open my window but I’d slow down.

Anyway, I digress....back to the stick figure family collections...seems the first problem, apart from the fact that they exists, is there seems to be a small group of characters to choose from;

Dad - fishing, BBQ's, body building and lo and behold just holding what looks like two crumpets in his hands..oh wait..they ARE his hands...bahahaha, that'll get him a long way in life!

Mum - business mum with laptop, pretty with handbags, pregnant and reading books and she has what looks like two crumpets in her hands too!  

The kids are the just sweet, ballerinas, football players, Oh the list goes on...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  Ok, you wanna picture of MY family on the car..here goes:

DAD - tired looking, slight paunch, an iphone attached to one ear sitting in front the computer playing Poker - he has real hands otherwise the mouse wouldn't work!

MUM - sitting on the lounge with a bottle of Sav Blanc at the ready, iphone handy to check Facebook and a look of 'how the hell did this all happen' on her face - she also has real hands - how else do you open the bottle?

GIRL 1: Phone attached to ear, sitting at laptop not moving, nothing, nil.  She doesn't need hands as she doesn't do anything.  Hair changes colour every few minutes.

GIRL 2: Picture the Tassie Devil in the cartoons, speed it up and give it boobs. 

DOG: Deaf and sleeps all day - doesn't smile unless you are holding Devon in your hands and walking towards him.  Too big to fit on window.

CAT: Sleeps and vomits. 

Now all that remains is that someone can point me towards the shop that sells these beauties and I am so there, alas I fear my world is not ready for the truth, but the truth is out there and it comes with wine!